a day in the life of theodore

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Between 8:30 a.m. and 9 a.m. Good morning, humans! Around now, I start rustling. I sleep in the human bed instead of the metal jail cell – a successful guilt trip goes a long way, fur-friends. Mommy, who is usually pressing buttons on her flat object, will glare at me and say, "Theo, no!" while I squirm up between Mommy and Papa and bite them both on the chins, elbows, armpits, etc.

9:15 a.m. My first potty break of the day! I am a good floof and I do not potty in the human bed. It's part of the bargain – if I don't potty in the human bed, I don't have to sleep in the metal jail cell. So, I go now. If I'm lucky, I will scoop up a nice chunk of mulch to snack on while I wait for breakfast.

9:17 a.m. Mommy discovered the mulch and confiscated it. Maaaaaaaaaaan.

9:19 a.m. It's my favorite part of THE WHOLE DAY! Mommy takes me back into our bedroom and I get to climb onto the human bed and clean out Papa's ears. If I'm feeling like a nice puppy, I will snuggle up next to Papa and nibble on his elbow. Most of the time, though, I jump on his head.

9:30 a.m. Mommy fills my water bowl and food bowl with not nearly enough water for how thirsty I am and too much kibble because kibble is the worst. If Mommy is feeling like smart Mommy, she will put a spoonful of pumpkin in my bowl for breakfast. If she is not feeling like smart Mommy, it may be a while before I get my pumpkin.

9:35 a.m. After emptying my water bowl in less than 30 seconds, I settle down to destroy my first toy of the day. I'm feeling like my cheese bone shall be my morning victim.

10 a.m. Mommy takes me on a walk around the apartment complex.

10:20 a.m. I rip Mommy's shirt or shorts or both on the walk back to our apartment, and she puts me in my playpen because she "just can't handle" me when I'm "like this." I'm not sure. I think it means I'm so cute I'm distracting her.

10:30 a.m. Papa is awake! He always walks out into the living room and looks at me like I am his worst nightmare.

10:33 a.m. Papa is sitting on the couch, and I am trying to save him. Did you know that it is very dangerous to sit for too many hours a day? You can get heart diseases and thick calves. PAPA GET UP YOU HAVE TO OUTLIVE ME!

10:35 a.m. I am back in my playpen. I am confused. I am trying to help my parents.

10:55 a.m. Well. That's confusing. I was wrecking havoc on my gorilla toy and then all of a sudden I opened my eyes and I had my cheese bone in my mouth and I was drooling. No time for naps!!!

10:57 a.m. I grab three pieces of food and chew. Mommy asks if I need to go outside. I bark one time because that's what she wants me to do. I don't understand why one bark is more significant than six barks but she insists. Mommy says, "One minute!" and gets up to put on shoes.

10:58 a.m. I pee on the floor.


11 a.m. I stare at Mommy. She looks mad. Go get the paper towels, lady. I waited one minute and then peed. What do you want from me?

11:05 a.m. While Mommy mops up my puddle, I wander into the poop room with Papa and while he washes his hands, I investigate the white chair where my parents go outside. Findings: Not full of poop. Not interested.

11:15 a.m. Papa is in the large white water machine, and Mommy isn't paying attention. I pee on the bath mat. Papa yells for Mommy. I laugh and laugh all the way into the living room.

11:45 a.m. I have been in my playpen for 30 minutes because "nowhere is safe" from my bladder. Mommy complains to Papa, "Two accidents in one day!" She likes to act like this is not predictable, but if she would 1) take less than one minute when she says one minute and 2) make her expectations about my behavior in the poop room a little bit more clear, then I would have less accidents.

12 p.m. Mommy takes me outside and wails in despair when I rip her shirt. It looked delicious. I'm a little disappointed.

12:07 p.m. My parents are walking me towards the metal jail cell and taking off my collar. Wait. Wait. WAITTTTTT A MINUTE WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

12:08 p.m. Help. I am trapped. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:15 p.m. Oh thank furry Jesus my parents are back!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:16 p.m. Just because I am thankful they are home does not mean I don't still hate them. I still hate them. But I give them a "HELLO!" pee on their shoes and try to tackle them, because what if something were to happen to them and I never get to see them again? What if they sit down for too long and their hearts explode? I gotta give them HELLO pees while I can.

1:20 p.m. Papa took me outside to apologize for leaving me in jail and I try to give him a delicious piece of mulch I find on the ground. Instead of appreciating it, he tosses it away! Jerk. I run off to grab it again and he is mad. Papas are so confusing. Mixed signals, Papa!

1:27 p.m. Papa and Mommy sit on the couch with their book machines. I try to help them press buttons but they keep pushing me off and handing me my hecking cheese bone. I thought they would appreciate the extra paw but apparently not. No one appreciates a good helpful pupper around here.

1:33 p.m. Mommy, who was not a smart mommy this morning, puts a spoonful of pumpkin in my bowl with my lunch kibble. She thinks that she can fool me into eating my lunch kibble and also distract me from torturing them. No such luck, fluffy-haired human! I eat all of the pumpkin and just three pieces of kibble and chew thoughtfully.

1:55 p.m. Mommy asks me very nicely to "be quiet" because she "has a phone call." Her phone calls always involve me in some way. But I am not allowed to say hello to whoever is on the other end! Isn't that the worst? So, I settle down as close to her as I can possibly get and gnaw loudly on my cheese bone.

2:12 p.m. When the phone call starts and Mommy is in the middle of presenting something, I start to squeak my ducky toy. SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK.

2:13 p.m. Papa confiscates the ducky, and Mommy is apologizing for her loud pupper. I bark an apology, and Mommy glares at me. I thought that was good manners!

2:30 p.m. After a stressful afternoon, I curl up into a small pupper ball by Mommy's feet and take a snooze. She assumes I am wreaking havoc somewhere and jumps up to look for me and wakes me up. I give her a pupper evil eye.


3:47 p.m. Woo! I am exhausted after running in circles for 2 whole minutes. And oh, hello, I suddenly have the crazy urge to pee! Bark! Bark bark!

3:48 p.m. I gave you one minute, Mommy.

3:50 p.m. "THEO! NO!"

3:51 p.m. *pupper shrug*

4 p.m. Papa takes me on a walk around the apartment complex and I got to see my bestest buds, the maintenance guys. They are just the best. I always pee on their shoes and they are so appreciative of my tinkles. That's how you know someone is your bestest bud!

4:15 p.m. Papa brings me inside and I am so excited to see Mommy, it's like I haven't seen her in days! or years! Hi, Mommy! Mommy rubs my belly and tries to play with me. I am so excited that I give her teeth kisses. She is angry about the teeth kisses. I try to apologize but all I have is teeth kisses!

4:17 p.m. After emptying my water bowl in .3 seconds, I think it's a great time to pretend like I have to pee again. Bark! Bark! Bark!

4:18 p.m. Mommy glares at me but takes me outside. I tricked her!

4:19 p.m. I lunge down the sidewalk because HUMAN!!!! I love our house. We have lots of roommates and there's a 90 percent change they will stop to pet me and tell me how cute I am.

4:20 p.m. This was a bad human. They did not even LOOk at me! How rude.

4:22 p.m. Mommy says she is tired of my poop and takes me back inside. I sit down on the ground and give her my trademark Theo sad eyes.

4:45 p.m. Mommy and Papa are sitting on the couch watching the food channel. Mommy is pretending to work on her book machine but I know that she is thinking about dinner and I know that Papa is thinking about golf. They are predictable humans. Sad eyes. Saaaad eyes. Bark! Bark! Bark!

4:47 p.m. Papa hands me my cheesey bone as if I don't know it exists. I climb up on the couch and pretend to chew on it but instead I am chewing on the ottoman. They do not notice.

5:00 p.m. They noticed. There is a hole in the corner of the ottoman and Mommy is giggling and Papa is thoroughly not happy. What's a puppy supposed to do? Just sit there and eat his cheese bone? Life gets boring when you behave!


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